Friendship

My Best Friend by Tim McGraw

A spouse is more that a lover. A spouse is a best friend. A spouse brings joy, happiness, but there may also be the hard times. But, deciding that your spouse is a friend, a best friend, that you can count on to talk to, be there for you, and just be your best friend.

I feel that your spouse is your best friend. A best friend is someone you want to be with, spend time with, share secrets with. I feel that it is very important that you look at your spouse as a friend, a best friend, because through that, you can learn to lean on one another through those rough times, and you can see that you will help each other through. That is what a best friend does.

“Marriage, if it is going to last, is about more than just being in love. True love means that you are not just in love, but you are also friends” (May, p. 1).

I really liked this quote because it really helped me to see the importance of being a friend with your spouse. True love is not being twitter-pated, or even getting butterflies when you see someone cute. Rather, true love is the lasting time together, the working things out together, and being there for one another. It is the friendship that you build together throughout your lifetime. Friendship, I feel, is an essential characteristic in marriage.

“Strong marriages have strong foundations in friendship. Don’t worry, you do not have to like your spouse all the time, but a relationship should have a healthy friendship and this friendship needs to be tended to and nurtured over the years. This friendship will help you grow together over the years as a couple” (May, p. 1).

So, you may have the question, “Well, I do love my spouse, but how can we become best friends?” Join in this activity with your spouse and find out how!

Activity:

1. Sit down with your spouse
2. “Make a list of what you would want in a best-friend” (Alexander, p. 1).
3. “Now become that person for your spouse. That’s right. Turn the table. Make this a list of the kind of friend you will become. I can promise you this: anyone who does half of these kinds of things will have more friends than he or she knows what to do with. But what if you focused this effort on your spouse? Think of the possibilities (Alexander, p. 1).
4. “Keep sowing the seeds, until the relationship blossoms. How long will it take to create this kind of relationship? It all depends on where you are starting. For some, it might be several months. For others, it might take years. Friendships are like gardens; they must be cultivated. The key is to be consistent and persistent—without expectations” (Alexander, p. 1).

To bring everything together, what is the most simple way to see your spouse as a friend? “This is really nothing more than the application of the Golden Rule to marriage: ‘Do to others what you would want them to do to you’ (Luke 6:31)” (Alexander, p. 1). This is something that we have been taught since elementary school, but have you every put it into play? Have you every treated someone the way you want to be treated? Think about it, try it out! See how you and your spouse are rewarded.

Take a look at the following qualities of friendship, and see where you can grow and learn to be a better friend to your spouse:

“Qualities of an Excellent Friendship

“Good communication; ability to share honestly about positive and difficult matters

“Acknowledgement and affirmation of positive qualities in each other

“Enjoyment of quiet, peaceful time together

“Play, fun, and laughter

“Acceptance; allowing both partners to be themselves

“Support and appropriate sympathy, empathy, and help during difficulties

“Enthusiasm for individual and shared goals and achievements

“Loving, spiritual connection (such as through prayer, meditation, activities)

“Encouragement

“Loyalty

“Trust that shared information will kept confidential and not used hurtfully

“Reliability; trustworthiness

“Willingness to suspend judgment and avoid jumping to conclusions

“Common experiences and bonding memories

“Ability to work together on projects

“Agreed-upon boundaries and expectations

“Shared interests

“Willingness to learn together and from one another

“Ability to disagree peacefully and constructively

“Shared values

“Ability to reconnect easily after being apart

“Motivational feedback or nudging that constructively influences the other to grow

“Attitude of forgiveness, not holding grudges, and willing to grant another chance

“Respectfulness and equality” (Alexander, p. 1).

There is always room to grow in every relationship. But, think about the relationship that is the most important: Your marriage relationship. It can be very important to work on the friendship with your spouse, because that relationship is one that can last and be happy for years to come. Friendship is indeed an important aspect of marriage.

“If couples would invest in one another like I am suggesting, the divorce rate would plummet. Romance is important. Sex is too. But a solid friendship is the foundation of everything else” (Hyatt, p. 1).

Reference:

Alexander, Susanne M. (no date). 24 Keys to Remaining Friends with your spouse. Retrieved from: http://simplemarriage.net/friends-with-your-spouse/ 

Hyatt, Michael (no date). How to become your spouse’s best friend. Retrieved from: http://michaelhyatt.com/how-to-become-your-spouses-best-friend.html 

May, Adrienne (2012). Beyond loving your spouse: 25 ways to be a best friend. Retrieved from: http://www.veteransunited.com/spouse/beyond-loving-your-spouse-25-ways-best-friend-to-your-spouse/ 

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Exercise in Marriage

Check this out for some information about exercise in marriage. Then watch the video below for some motivation to start working out!

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Commitment in Marriage

True Commitment in Marriage

Marriage begins and often times the commitment may be too much for some people. But commitment in marriage is what it is all about. When a couple decides to take that step of marriage, they must realize that it is more that just ending the marriage when they aren’t happy.

Commitment: 

1. “a promise to do or give something.”
2. “a promise to be loyal to someone or something.”
3. “the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/commitment)

The three definitions above put this perfectly! Each talks about the importance of a commitment and what actually takes place when you make that commitment. These definitions put into perspective what commitment actually means, and why it is so important that we are aware of the commitment we are making when we step into marriage. It is not only through the easy times we are committed to our spouse, but through every time and experience, no matter what, as the definitions mentions, “a promise.”

Scott Stanley has done some excellent research on why people decide to get married or cohabit. He uses a term called “Sliding versus Deciding” in which he explains that most often relationships in which the partners are living together often do no decided first handedly that they are going to live together, but rather they “slide” into the relationship and the cohabiting (Stanley, p. 507, video speech). The trouble with this is that often times women get the brunt of the relationship because, “Women get pregnant, not men. Women disproportionately do the work of raising those children when the relationship ends.... Women may have more to lose by sliding through relationship transitions” (Stanley, p. 508-9). When the couple cohabits, there is less commitment in the relationship, therefore when tough times come up, one partner may decide that he or she “wasn’t committed anyways” and leave. It is basically an open door for people to leave the relationship if something hard or difficult arises, or if they just decide to be done with it. As the years go by, there is also a great need of commitment in marriage. The view of marriage has become less and less important, and it appears that divorce is just as easy to get as breaking up.

Stanley (2006, video) also mentions something that is very important to keep in mind. He starts with telling a story about the dog that his wife and he got (check out the video for the pictures and the full story!). He shares that people fall in love with the front end of the puppy, but asks, “What is the most important part to remember?” And that is, all puppies have a back end. Being aware of this and realizing that relationships are exactly the same, it can prepare you for marriage and commitment in realizing that your relationship (marriage) is not always going to be easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be worth it. Remember, all puppies have back ends, and keeping this in mind will help you to remember that marriage is full of good and possibly easy things but there are also there hard and devastating events. But, it is all about the commitment between you and your spouse. Deciding from the beginning that you are going to stick together through it all, through all the stress, the schooling, the children, no matter what, you will find more fulfillment in your marriage in knowing that you are there for the long haul.

“In a marriage, disagreement is inevitable, but conflict is optional — a choice we make, Bradbury and Karney said” (Wolpert, p. 1).

"’Find ways to compromise, or at least have the conversation that allows you and your partner to see things eye to eye,’" Bradbury said. ‘Often, we don't have the big conversations that we need in our relationship. The very act of communicating in difficult times can be as important as the outcome of the conversation. Everybody has the opportunity to engage in a conflict, or not, to say, 'You're wrong, I'm right.' When people are in it for the long term, they are often willing to make sacrifices and view themselves as a team. They both are.’ The couples whose marriages lasted were better at this than the couples who divorced, Bradbury and Karney said." (Wolpert, p. 1).

Compromising begins the first day you are married. I am sure all those who have been married any amount of time has realized this. During the dating years, it’s just different, but marriage comes and then there’s two people, with different backgrounds, different ways of cleaning, relaxing, and different ways of raising children. The thing about different is, it’s not a bad thing. It actually helps us to open our minds and realize there are more ways to do something. Therefore, we must be ready and prepared to look at our spouses and see them as the person we love, and be willing to work together to work things out. This is a great way to show commitment to your spouse, as it shows him/her that you are wiling to listen and work something out so both of you are satisfied.

“Human beings have a need to be a part of secure, stable, and long-term relationships. That requires commitment. In strong marriages, couples are committed not only to the welfare of the relationship but also to the growth of one another. Commitment to the marriage is the basis for a husband and wife giving their time and energy to couple-related activities. Couples who have not thought through or are unsure about their commitment to one another will have difficulty staying married because when the tough times come they will be quick to run the other way” (Utah State University, p. 1).

Activity:

Watch the video below with your spouse and discuss what commitment means to you

Scott stanley commitment in marriage:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUqfLSBUDmM 

If you enjoyed this post, and would like some more videos to watch, try these ones out! John Gottman is well known for his research on marriage.

John Gottman Information videos:

Improve marriage in 30 seconds:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vz_Cbsu3o

References:

Stanley, Scott; Roades, Galena Kline; Markham, Howard, J. (2006). Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Retrieved from: http://ccutrona.public.iastate.edu/psych592a/articles/Sliding%20and%20cohabitation.pdf 

Utah State University (2014) Communication, Conflict, and Commitment. Retrieved from: http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/Marriage___Family_Relationships/Communication__Conflict___Commitment_9.html 

Wopert, Stuart (2012) Here is what commitment to your marriag emeans. Retrieved from: http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/here-is-what-real-commitment-to-228064 

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Forgiveness in Marriage

Recently, my husband and I moved to a new town. He is working on a farm, and before hand we did not realize the time commitment that farming requires. Yet, we are happy with where we are and see the positive things in our new life... most of the time. One Friday, my husband gave me a call and asked me on a date, something that he hasn’t done for quite a while! I was very excited because I don’t usually get out, as I have found that it is a lot of work to keep a house clean, the yard taken care of, homework, internship, meals throughout the day, and make sure that my 1 1/2 year old is happy, learning, and just taken care of. We usually stay home, therefore, a night to go out with my husband sounded like so much fun! That afternoon, I cleaned up the house, showered, and got all ready for the evening. At about 5 o’clock, I got a call from my husband explaining that they were smoothing out a field in which they planned to plant the following week. He didn’t know when he was going to be done, but invited me to come and ride in the tractor with him. I got my little boy ready and we went and drove in the tractor for about 30 minutes. While driving along (at this point I was a little bummed because I had gotten so excited to go into town with him), he got a call asking what his plans were for the night and how long he wanted to work. After discussing with another farmer and figuring things out, he chose that he would stay and finish the field. I got the cue. That being that I would have another night at home by myself. After a short time in the tractor, I realized I needed to run to the grocery store, so I jumped in my car and left, as my husband continued to smooth out his field in his giant tractor.

By this point, I was close to tears. It had already been an overwhelming week, and I just needed a break. I decided my little boy and I would travel to the little town south of our home and run to the grocery store. When I got there, I found that it had closed 10 minutes before. I was recognizing that I was just having plain bad luck! But, we just went home and enjoyed the evening together. My husband got home at 11 that night, which was fine, since the next day was Saturday! He said that they just had water they were changing, which usually took about one hour.

Saturday came and he was out of the house by 7 am. I kept myself busy, and at about 9 am, I got a text saying that there were some problems with the pumps and water, therefore it would be about 12 when he would be home. I still thought that this was fine because I had a lot I needed to do as I was preparing to visit family the following week. One came, then two, three past by, and I was just more and more frustrated with each passing hour. I just felt I needed him home to help me with some projects we had been working on. At four I finally sent a text and asked how long it would take, because I really needed his help at home. He said that he honestly did not know, and said that they were working as fast as they could to get everything figured out for the weekend (it was over Memorial Day weekend). Finally, at 5:30 pm he shows up, and I was just in tears over the whole deal because as may wives have felt, I felt that his job was more important than his family.

We were talking about it that evening, which can often be a serious subject as you discuss what is best for you and your spouse, the family as well as the overall situation. My husband looked at me, with bright blue, caring eyes, and a look on his face that I knew he felt horrible about how busy his job has been. He looked at me in the eyes and said, “Sweetheart, it’s not like I love you more than tractors.” I looked at him with a confused look, then realized that he had completely said the opposite of what he meant!  I burst into laughter as he sat confused. After a good laugh, we were able to recognize that things come up, and after he asked 100 times for forgiveness, we realized that life goes on and in order to be happy and realize the blessing we have of being married, we must learn that we are not perfect, therefore our actions are not perfect, and that forgiveness is essential in marriage.

Forgiveness is not just something that is discussed in a church meeting, but it is actually an essential characteristic in a marriage, as Dr. Frank Fincham mentions. He shares that forgiveness has an incredible impact not only on the actual marriage, but also on the individual’s health.

What happens to your body when you do not forgive:

- Fear

- Anger

- Higher heart rate

- Higher blood pressure

- Eye and brow muscle tension

(Fincham, 2013 Video)

To put it simply, if your heart is at a high rate for extended periods of time, Fincham (2013) mentions that it can cause heart disease (because of high blood pressure for long periods of time) and death! For me, I was able to put into perspective the importance of forgiveness in a person’s individual life. But, that is not all that it affects.

When there is distrust in marriage because of actions that could cause problems, or maybe there were accidents that occurred in the relationship, forgiveness is the only thing that can make it right. It is the only thing that makes you stop thinking of yourself and realize that the other person is a human being, with thoughts, feelings, ideas, and they are not perfect. No person on this earth is, therefore, we should not expect perfect actions from imperfect people. The thing about forgiveness is, “We forgive in full knowledge that we have been wronged” (Fincham 2013 video). That is the main point that is essential in understanding, we know that we have been wronged, but we are okay with realizing that. Once you get to the point of forgiveness, you do realize that someone else’s needs are more important than your own, and when one notices another’s needs first, that is true love. “You cannot truly love until you forgive” (Fincham, 2013 video).

Now Dr. Fincham did not say that forgiveness is easy. He didn’t even say that it was enjoyable or simple. But rather, “Forgiveness is not an act, it is a process” (Fincham, 2013 video). It takes time, it takes understanding, and it takes effort to really forgive someone, especially your spouse. When in reality, forgiving your spouse should be a pleasure because you married that person, you love that person, and you have committed to each other to work together and work things out. Think about that for a bit.

In the situation I explained above, my husband and I were fortunate that we were able to have an experience to put into perspective how silly I was being. I was able to realize that really, the situation happened, it was over, and we were both going to strive to be a better spouse. Once that laughter happened, it truly changed the feelings in the room in a way that just makes me look back fondly on that memory. Even though my husband completely did not mean to switch his words around, he said it at just the right time that we were able to look at the situation from a different, and more understandable angle.

Fincham (2004) mentioned, “...the importance of forgiveness for marital conflict and its implications for spouse goals” helps you to better understand who your spouse is, and the purpose of forgiving them. In the experience above, I was able to realize that my husband loves me, he wants to spend time with me, but his work is very time consuming.

Do you have any suggestions on how we can manage our time and spend time together though it is limited? What activities could we do?

Activity:

1. Sit down with your spouse.
2. Discuss a recent topic in which you both feel that forgiveness needs to be involved.
3. Discuss why you feel that there needs to be forgiveness.
4. Remember to think of your spouse, not yourself.
5. Come up with a solution to the problem and forgive each other for whatever problem you discusse

There really are positive, “benefits associated with interpersonal forgiveness” (Kachadourian, 2004) that can increase marital satisfaction and understanding. Which leads to? Overall better intimacy in marriage. Intimacy is what marriage is all about. It is about learning to grow and go with your spouse. It is about being together, working together, and forgiving one another. The benefits of forgiveness in marriage are endless.

One thing to “Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score,”  (Hopler, p. 1). You should also take this thought into considerations, “Learn to bend – not break!” (Hopler, p. 1).

But, these thoughts are not all. “Several recent research studies have also shown links between forgiveness and romance among couples. A 2011 University of Tennessee study showed that offended romantic partners who forgave their offending partners were more satisfied with that state of their romantic relationships than spouses who refused to forgive. When romantic partners such as spouses forgive each other, a 2009 George Mason University study found, they often experience a restoration of both closeness and commitment following transgressions between them. Finally, a 2007 University of Miami study found that the higher the levels of forgiveness in a marriage, the more couples reported feeling satisfied with their lives and the more likely they were to experience positive moods rather than negative moods, which often put them in the right mood for romance” (Hopler, p. 1). There will be more love, peace, and intimacy within a home there is forgiveness.

“Touch is a powerful way to express both forgiveness and romantic passion, because it communicates deep feelings in simple ways. Incorporate non-sexual, affectionate touch (such as hugs and holding hands) into your time together whenever possible. Gradually, as God heals both of you through the forgiveness process, the desire for sexual touch will return to your relationship” (Hopler, p.1).

Take the initiative to look at your spouse as a person. See them for what they can become, rather than what they are. In looking in this positive manner, you will be able to find a relationship full of forgiveness and love.

View this for Dr. Frank Fincham’s entire presentation on Forgiveness in marriage.

References:

Fincham, Frank (2004). Forgiveness and Conflict Resolution in Marriage. Retrieved from: http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/18/1/72/ 

Kachadourian, Lorig K.; Fincham, Frank (2004). The tendency to forgive in dating and married couples: the role of attachment relationship satisfaction. Retrieved from:http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00088.x/abstract 

Hopler, Whitney, (2007). Forgiveness can restore romance in your marriage. Retrieved from: http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/how-forgiveness-can-restore-romance-in-your-marriage.html?p=2 

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Part Five: How to Cope with Stress in Marriage

As I have mentioned in previous posts, going to college has been a major stress in my life. There are those days when you just feel like you can’t go on anymore, and something has to change. One time in particular I decided I was done with school and I was going to just quit. It was bringing too much stress into my life which caused me to snap at my husband, get upset with my baby, and not only that but the house was a mess, and I hadn’t gotten my exercise that day (which is a must for me!). I then found, that I didn’t feel any better, but I still had stress in my life. I just had to learn to cope with it instead of trying to get rid of it.

        

Stress can cause difficult times in a marriage. But overall, stress can be a good thing, it is all learning about how to deal with it. And since men and women deal with stress differently (It’s Not About the Nail video posted on the fourth blog post is a perfect example) you and your spouse must figure out how you can deal with it and what ways are best for you.

Stritof (2014) mentioned the following ways of how some people may deal with stress:

Ways to Cope:

-  “Eat healthy foods.

-  “Get enough sleep.

-  “Drink water throughout the day.

-  “Make time for exercise.

-  “Have some fun and laugh more.

-  “As a couple, try to spend some time alone together.

-  “Be supportive of one another” (Stritof, p. 1).

I have found that eating healthy foods and exercise really help me. But in a marriage, it is also important to be supportive to one another! Each person has personal stresses and there are usually stresses as a couple. The above ideas bring some great and simply ideas that can help those personal stresses as well as the stresses that may be as a couple. Spend that time together, be supportive, and together you can exercise as well as eat healthily. You will see that taking care of your body will definitely help those stresses easier to deal with.

“Communicating effectively, managing conflict, expressing empathy: all of these processes are central to lasting intimacy, but none is easy. All else being equal, more time spent dealing with stress leaves less time to spend on a relationship” (Karney, p. 1). Learning about one another, communication, and just being together can help your relationship to be strong and lasting. All of these can also help with stress in your marriage, and the following ideas from Petural (no date) can also help you and your spouse to learn more about each other, strengthen your marriage, and cope with the stress in you individual and married life.

What can you do to relieve stress in your marriage? Amy Peturel (no date) mentions eight ways that can help stress in your marriage to diminish:

1.  “Have more sex. ‘Sex actually relieves stress and makes you feel more energized," says sex therapist Ian Kerner, author of Love in the Time of Colic. "Couples that have regular sex feel better about their lives, better about their relationships, and they're less stressed.’” (Paturel, p. 1).

2.  “Start canoodling. If sex isn't an option, cuddle up on the couch instead. Studies show that couples who spend more time hugging and kissing have lower levels of stress hormones in their bodies. For one week, researchers from the University of Zurich in Switzerland studied 51 couples who were either married or living together and found that those who reported more physical contact – from holding hands to having sex – had lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol in their saliva” (Paturel, p. 1).

3.  “Work together as a team. ‘When you have different opinions, don't focus on who's right or wrong. Instead, focus on what will work,’ says Tessina. Successful couples try to solve the problem by identifying it, brainstorming ideas, and coming up with a solution – together” (Paturel, p. 1).

4.  “Prioritize your relationship. When you have kids, relationship satisfaction usually starts to decline. You have to be dependable, responsible, and scheduled – and routine can kill sexual attraction. To reconnect, make sure you have a regular date night and find ways to bring newness into your lives. ‘Protecting your marriage should be at the top of your priority list as a parent,’ says Kerner. ‘It's important to your child's well-being to see that his parents are happy and connected’” (Paturel, p. 1).

5.  “Show gratitude. Research shows that it's important to hear five positive statements for every negative one from your partner. ‘Happy couples know how to express their gratitude and appreciation. They celebrate their love,’ says Tessina” (Paturel, p. 1).

6.  “Tune in. Listening is critical to reducing stress in a marriage. ‘A big percentage of arguments are caused by getting louder in a futile effort to be heard,’ says Tessina” (Paturel, p. 1).

7.  “Take some time off. Sure, you spend most of your downtime with your partner and kids, but it's important to get solo time (or time with your girlfriends). ‘Couples need to do things apart that they can talk about later, says Tessina. It refreshes the relationship and helps you miss each other a bit, too” (Paturel, p. 1).

8.  “Have fun. Make sure you do things as a couple that don't involve paying bills, cleaning house, and raising the kids. ‘Doing something together that you enjoy gives you shared experiences and reminds you that life isn't all about responsibility,’ says Kerner. Go for a hike, take a dance class, or hit the tennis court with your partner, and you'll get an exercise boost to boot” (Paturel, p. 1).

Activity

1.  Choose one of the above activities (by Paturel),

2.  Make a date!

3.  Invite your spouse in a romantic way (note, roses, a treasure hunt, etc. Be creative!).

4.  Really put time and effort in making the activity a fun and memorable one.

5.  Talk with your spouse about how together you can manage the stress in your lives.

Sometimes stress comes and it seems hard to deal with. Sometimes the stress is something that you can’t figure out as a couple. My husband and I often deal with our stresses separately, depending on the situation. For me, I love taking walks and working in the yard. For my husband he likes to get away and go to somewhere where he can just leave the stress for a bit.

“The take-away for couples is simple — each individual needs to learn to deal with stress in positive ways outside of the relationship (through activities to minimize the buildup of stress in the first place, regular exercise, and other stress-relief activities)” (Grohol, p. 1).

Overall, stress will be in your life and marriage no matter what. Depending on the stress and the level of that stress can determine whether or not it can be a good or bad stress in your marriage.

Reference Page:

Grohol, John M. (no date) Stress Hurts Relationships. Retrieved from: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/08/31/stress-hurts-relationships/

Karney, Benjamin. (2014). Stress is Bad for Couples, Right? Retrieved from:http://www.ncfr.org/ncfr-report/focus/couples/stress-bad-couples-right

Paturel, Amy (no date). Secrets to a low-stress marriage. Retrieved from: http://www.babycenter.com/0_secrets-to-a-low-stress-marriage_10352386.bc

Stritof, Sheri; Stritof, Bob (2014) Coping with stress in your marriage; retrieved from: http://marriage.about.com/cs/stress/qt/copingstress.htm

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