Better Together

There is no person that is perfect, and realizing this may help couples see that they needn’t expect perfection, but rather finding the good in your spouse is an essential characteristic. Each and every person may have flaws, and truthfully, that is ok. There are those little things that we need to be willing to look past, because if there are one or two little flaws that bother you about your spouse, there is a good chance that those little flaws will pick at you. The most important step here is to realize that those little flaws do not matter! And just like Jack Johnson puts it in his song, “We’re better together.” Beforehand, Jack mentions that sometimes life is hard, relationships are hard, and that is not a bad thing. But overall, just as the song states, “We’re better together!” And that is definitely the truth, working together with your spouse, whom you love, will always be better.

An excellent story that illustrates this example perfectly is known as “The Grapefruit Syndrome” written by Lola B. Walters (2011). The story is as follows:

“As a young wife, I learned that the taste of marriage could be sweeter if I didn’t focus on my husband’s faults.

“My husband and I had been married about two years - just long enough for me to realize that he was a normal man rather than a knight on a white charger - when I read a magazine article recommending that married couples schedule regular talks to discuss, truthfully and candidly, the habits or mannerisms they find annoying in each other. The theory was that if the partners knew of such annoyances, they could correct them before resentful feelings developed.

“It made sense to me. I talked with my husband about the idea. After some hesitation, he agreed to give it a try.

“As I recall, we were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off. After more than 50 years, I remember only my first complaint: grapefruit. I told him that I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange? Although I have forgotten them, I’m sure the rest of my complaints were similar.

“After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me. Though it has been more than half a century, I still carry a mental image of my husband’s handsome young face as he gathered his brows together in a thoughtful, puzzled frown and then looked at me with his large blue-grey eyes and said, ‘Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.’

“Gasp.

“I quickly turned my back, because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face. I had found faults with him over such trivial things as the way he ate grapefruit, while he hadn’t even noticed any of my peculiar, and no doubt annoying, ways.

“I wish I could say that this experience completely cured me of fault finding. It didn’t. But it did make me aware early in my marriage that husbands and wives need to keep perspective, and usually ignore, the small differences in their habits and personalities. Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I always wonder if they are suffering from what I now called, the Grapefruit Syndrome.”

Lola Walters (2011) hit it right on the head. It is so important that we are not focused on the little annoyances that may occur in our marriages, but rather, seeing the good in our spouses will indeed help our marriages and overall relationship with your spouse to be a more positive one. And, to go with that, just think of how great things are with your spouse, just as Jack Johnson put it in his song, “We’re better together” which, in most situations, you are better together.

Another key point that Jack makes in his song, and I also think it is noted in the story above, is that our time is limited. We do not know how long our life is here on earth, therefore, it is important that we strive to see the best in people, especially our spouses. Looking past those little flaws will ensure make your marriage better, and it will help you to forget about those silly things and see your spouse for the person he or she really is: Your spouse, whom you love.

Activity #1:

There is always an activity in place to get you and your spouse doing something together to bring your relationship closer together. For this activity, you can do it individually, but can do it together if you would like.

1.  Come up with a list of 5-10 positive things about your spouse.

2.  Keep the list going for a week.

3.  At the end of the week, compile the list onto one sheet of paper.

4.  Feel free to type it up, add graphics, or just write it down on a lined sheet of paper.

5.  Give your spouse a copy of the paper and let him/her know that you appreciate them.

Each marriage is like a garden. This meaning that every marriage has flowers as well as weeds. The flowers are the positive and good things you see in your spouse while the little flaws are the weeds. All gardens have them, as well as all marriages. When you focus on the good things in your spouse, then you are cultivating and feeding the positive attributes in that person, which is also cultivating and feeding the marriage positively. When we decide to focus on the little flaws in the marriage or spouse, then we are trying to get the weeds in your garden to grow, and when this happens, the weeds will eventually take over a garden that could be beautiful and full of flowers.

But, how do handle the little flaws in marriage that drive you crazy? Rather than attacking your spouse, which may be an attempt to rid the garden of weeds, it is important to love and find the flowers in your spouse. Attacks may cut of the weed, but the roots are still there, and another weed will grow back. When the love and kindness are present, it is like adding water to the ground, which makes it easy to till and pull the weeds out of the garden, root and all.

Which do you want your garden to look like?

Activity #2:

Watching Your Thoughts

We each have those little moments in which our thoughts may start picking out the negative things in our relationship or in our spouse. For this activity, you are going to watch your thoughts, then decide which garden your marriage is becoming.

1.  Have some sort of paper, phone, or something to write stuff down with you for at least one day.

2.  Each time you have a thought about your marriage, determine if it is positive or negative.

3.  If the thought is positive, write down a check mark (or draw a flower).

4.  If the thought is negative, write down an x (or draw a weed).

5.  At the end of the day, count up the x’s and the check marks and see if you are cultivating the weeds or the flowers in your marriage garden.

Stay in check with your marriage, and be sure you are looking past the little flaws that may be present in your partner. Rather, strive to focus on the good things about your spouse and your intimate relationship will become closer.

References:

Walters, Lola B. (2011) The Grapefruit Syndrome; Retrieved from: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/01/the-grapefruit-syndrome?lang=eng

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Memories

Memories. They are the things that comprise our past, our relationships, and what future may behold us. When I think about some of my favorite memories with my husband, as we were dating, engaged, and those first weeks and months we were married, I get those little feelings within my heart of the love I feel toward him. It is an amazing thing to look back and see what you have been through together, and through remembering those good times (and the hard times when you were able to work things out) the relationship can grow and become even stronger. This is where intimacy begins. It begins in those first beginnings in which you meet, get to know one another, and decide that that person is the one in which you wish to spend your life. And that is the exact reason memories will continue to bring about joy and happiness in your marriage, because they are the very thing that have made the marriage what it is today. John Gottman (1999) came up with a questionnaire and book discussing principles that help marriages to work. His book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, goes through a variety of exercises and questions that helps married couples see where their relationship is and where it is going.
A key point that Gottman (1999) makes is that marriages are based on deep friendship. The way a friendship grows is through experiences and memories. In it’s simplicity, this song by Jack Johnson really does help me to see that replaying past memories and remembering the good and hard times bring a relationship closer together. He does mention, however, that bad memories, if that is all that the couple can recall, could be detrimental to a relationship (Gottman, p. 3). I truly believe that all relationships have positive memories, and if you strive to find the positive memories that brought the two of you closer together, it is likely that you will indeed find yourself a more intimate couple.

            

I personally believe that this song by Jack Johnson is a perfect example on how memories can change us, influence us, and make our marriages meaningful. I love the point when he mentions the little apartment they moved into and how the piano took up the room! My husband and my first apartment was a one bedroom, tiny little thing, but we loved it, and we have great memories of our beginning there. Jack goes onto explain that they would play little songs together and just enjoy themselves, no matter the size of the apartment.

           

A recent article in the Psychology Today mentions an interesting note on married couples remembering past times. Susan Krauss Whitbourne (2014) mentioned a study that was done with a total of 52 couples. The couples were put to the test as they were to describe and tell their partner and memories in the past about their relationship. The happy couples reported that they felt more intimate and closer to their partners after the exercises. It was an wonderful article that helped me to see that memories are very important in all relationships! There were also some excellent tips that were given about couples and memories.

              “Tip #1:  Reminiscing about the “way we were” could bring out painful reminders about                 how unhappy you are if you’re in an unsatisfactory relationship. However, you could break the vicious cycle by monitoring yourselves to make sure that you don’t engage in invalidating, critical, or other negative behaviors. Agree ahead of time that you’ll call “time out” if one partner starts to invalidate the other’s memory or become excessively negative.

            “Tip #2: Get out some of your old photos or videos, and relive those positive events from   your past using these as cues. Play music from that era, or even from the event itself such as the music you danced to at your wedding.  As in Tip #1, put a moratorium on negative or destructive comments (e.g. “I never liked you in those pants, why did you wear them?”).

            “Tip #3: Take a page from the happy couples’ playbook and use laughter and pride in your joint coping ability when recalling things that didn’t go as planned.  

            “Tip #4: If the reminiscing is making you sad, ask yourself why. Is the pain you’re       feeling due to regret over the fact that you’re so unhappy now? By allowing yourself to admit that you do feel sad that your relationship has lost its initial glow, you may be breaking down some of those defenses that have prevented you from seeking to restore that past intimacy” (Whitbourne).

There is a key part in the song where Jack goes onto share an experience when he is watching the tree burn down, the tree in which they build their treehouse. He took a picture that he doesn’t enjoy looking at, and yet, this is a memory that he brings up. Each marriage goes through fun times and difficult times, each different depending on the marriage and the relationship of the people in the marriage. But, I truly believe that this little thought helps me to better understand that when we make it through the difficult times and work together as a couple, the relationship is even stronger than before. When those memories are brought up where you and your spouse were able to work together through a difficult time may prove that the love is more closely entwined, and the people in that marriage relationship know they can depend on one another in all situations throughout their marriage. This is intimacy of a most special nature. It is the experiencing and knowing that your partner was there through those hard times, and together, you were able to make it out. Together, you were able to withstand those difficult times, whether one partner needed the support of their spouse or both needed it from the other. These times may include the death of a loved one, moving away from a loved home, or just the simple stresses from day to day. When you can support your spouse or your spouse can support you, a memory of love and strength is born.

Activity

After listening to this song, and maybe rereading the lyrics, I invite you to join together for a little activity!

1.  Pull out pictures, scrapbooks, journals, or memories from your mind.

2.  Sit down with your spouse and look at the pictures together, read the journals, and talk about the memories you have together.

3.  Write down the feelings and thoughts you had as you did this activity with your spouse.

This is a very simple activity, but I know that it proves to bring two people close together! My husband and I often talk about past experiences, and we often find ourselves laughing! The funny memories usually pop out quite quickly, and before we know it, we are laughing and just having a jolly time together. I would like to share a few of my memories with you!

            

My husband and I like to be goofy, and we have had some quite funny experiences! Last Christmas we decided to get our Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving. We were so excited because our little boy was old enough to take notice of it (just past age one). We got to the Valley Wide Home and Ranch store and quickly chose the bushiest and most lovely tree we could find. We paid for the tree and then looked at our car: we had no way to transport it to our little home! We didn’t have ropes or anything that could hold it on top of our car. Then, we came up with the brilliant idea to open the sun roof we had and just hold the tree as we drove home! we threw the tree on top of our car, and we were off! Of course, we may not have thought everything through, as before we knew it, our hands we freezing in the sub zero degree weather, but there was so stopping now! Pine needles were dropping into our car, and the most hilarious thing is when we looked in the review mirror, the cars behind us were probably an eighth mile away, as they could see the little dilemma we were in, and they did not want their car to be involved if our hands slipped and let go of the tree! We were grateful that we did make it home in safety without ever letting go of our Christmas tree. Though our hands were frozen and covered in sap from the tree, it was a memory in the making! We laugh about that was very often!

            

A second memory happened very recently! One that I know is just too funny to pass up. My husband, little boy, and I moved into a little rental house in the middle of a farm. I loved everything about it! Open fields, sprinklers at night, clear blue skies. Everything about it just made me love the farming life more and more. Before our move, my dad gave me an old birdhouse that he and I built, for us to put on a power pole near our house. I was excited to put the birdhouse us have have little birds join us in our open field. My husband and I took the birdhouse out near the pole and we realized that we needed it to be higher than my husband was tall. We thought for a moment, then decided that I could just get on his shoulders then it would be 2-3 feet higher than we planned. We quickly got arranged and I was up high off the ground on my husband’s shoulders. Our little boy was on the ground looking up as I began screwing the birdhouse to the pole, manually as we did not have an electric screwdriver. I got the first screw in, and all was well, although I am sure we looked like a very funny couple, and I wish we could have gotten a picture! I started screwing in the next screw, when the screw driver began to slip from my hand. The screw quickly fell to the ground, as I juggled the screwdriver for an instant before I lost contact with it. It came falling down, bonking my head, shoulder, then falling about 8 feet to land right on my little boy’s head! It took him only a moment to calm him down, and he was okay, but just rethinking about this silly memory just makes me laugh, as I picture myself high on my husband’s shoulders and then thinking about my little boy’s goose egg on his head for the next two days. Memories! They are what bring us together.

Join with your spouse in remembering past memories. It is a great activity that will surely bring you closer together.

References:

Gottman, John; Silver, Nan (1999) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationships Expert.

Whitbourne, Susan Krauss (2014) Remembering the Good Old Days Can Revive Your Relationship. Retrieved From:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201401/remembering-the-good-old-days-can-revive-your-relationship

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Equality in Marriage is a Key to Happiness, Peace and More Intimacy!!!

The song "Mr. Mom" by Lonestar has equality between husband and wife woven throughout it. This song is a great story of how a husband and wife can be equally yoked.

It starts out when the husband loses his job and the wife says that she can go to work while he stays at home with their children. He agrees and thinks that it'll be a cinch, but he finds out very quickly that staying at home with the children proves to be a non-stop job! A job that really never ends and during that time at home he is playing the role of "Mr. Mom" his love and appreciation for his dear wife grows immensely.



They develop greater equality from his time staying at home with the children. He creates a deeper respect for his wife in her responsibility as a stay at home parent. This respect benefits the marriage outstandingly. They benefit men and women differently.

Men: more openness and physical intimacy in their relationship. The physical intimacy improves health and reduces stress. They also work better at work because they don't think about at home stresses.

Women: they are happier when their husband expresses appreciation for their work at home. They have less anger and depression and feel more confident in their relationship, creating a happier marriage.

Having more equality in a relationship creates a closer bond between husband and wife which creates a stronger and more fulfilling marriage.

Implement:
Research that has been conducted on relationships has shown that equality in decision making significantly contributes to the wives' idea that they have a successful and happy marriage.  There are opportunities all around that every couple can implement into their relationship.

1. Know the difference between occasional and routine household chores.
   1. Occasional: chores not done every day like repairs, yard work, or paying bills.
   2. Routine: chores done every day like dishes, laundry, or cooking meals.
   3. Take the time to help your spouse out by putting yourself in their shoes and think about something you can do for them.  Perhaps you can take the trash out for them or do the dishes after dinner or even pull some weeds outside.
2. Team work is key to any relationship. Like the saying many homes live by, "Many hands make light work." That can be used in a marriage relationship too.
   1. Together you and your spouse can: do the dishes (one rinsing and one loading the dishwasher), making the bed (one person on each side), dusting the house or washing the car (he gets the higher surfaces and she can get the lower surfaces).
   2. You can also invite the entire family to help with things like planting a garden or washing windows in the house to create family unity.
3. Verbally express appreciation for the things your spouse does at home and/or at work.  Feeling unappreciated can be a significant burden to your family and especially your relationship with your spouse.

Action Plan:

Sit down with your spouse and write down all the things that keep you busy.  Everything from calling to make appointments for the children to doing the laundry or cleaning out the car.  Add to that list others things that are regular items on your "to-do" list that are not already there.

Try even out the list with your spouse remembering the chores that the other favors and doesn't favor.  Have the mindset of, "I know my husband despises folding laundry so I'll be sure to do that" or "I know my wife hates taking out the garbage so I'll make sure that's always taken care of."  Obviously either person can do those chores but the extra mile you go to make them happy is important and will make a difference.  Always look to serve each other in all that you do, whether it be in or out of the home.

Strive to do the things on your own list throughout the next month and when possible look to your spouse's list and see how you can help.  Try to make the work equal and be sure that both of you are not stressed, if possible.  See what you can do to take the burden off your spouse.

Remember to take into consideration the number of hours each of you work outside the home and keep in mind that equal doesn't necessarily mean 50/50 and keep in mind that flexibility based on daily circumstances is imperative.

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