Intimacy After Baby Part 2: Emotional Intimacy

After the birth a baby emotional intimacy is especially strong. There is something about having a tiny precious human, which you as a couple created that brings a new form of closeness never experienced before. The baby brings a new sense of strength and understanding the relationship.  Instead of sexual activity love is expressed by showing commitment to the family.  After the birth of a child there is a lack of sexual activity that is natural so the mother can have time to physically heal. It is important to take this time to enjoy each others company and the joy of being new parents. Talk to each other about the fears and joys of being parents. While the baby is sleeping, take time to take care of yourselves, sometimes this just means having ten minutes to take a shower. And take care of your relationship. While you aren’t focused on physical intimacy, use the time to rekindle your love for one another, and your new found love for your baby. 

Photo Credit to: Lisa McDonald

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Lack of Physical Intimacy: Fear of Disappointment

Here is the third post on lack of desire for physical intimacy focusing on fear of disappointment:

Fear of disappointment:

Some women might fear disappointment because they don’t want their spouse to not be satisfied with their physical intimacy. Rather than communicate and talk with the spouse, they might revert to avoiding physical intimacy all together.

Personal Example:

Mary had recently got married and loved being married until it came to physical intimacy. She reverted to avoiding physical intimacy all together because she was worried that her husband would not be satisfied with what she was giving him. Her husband started to wonder why she didn't like being physical with him.

What research has found:

Some people often fear physical intimacy because they hate the idea of disappointing others. Unconsciously, they feel as though they are not up to the job. Rather than face their own lack of self-esteem, they turn this into "I don't want to have sex." This often has nothing to do with the expectations of the other person.

What you can do:

One of the best ways to make sure your partner is satisfied is to simply ask what they do and do not like. It can be awkward to discuss and may leave you feeling exposed, but it is the surest path to clarifying what is and isn't working. Make sure that you and your partner communicate during physical intimacy.

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Even before I was pregnant people would tell me to enjoy my life without kids, because once the children came life would never be the same again. I have to admit that after having my little boy my life was completely turned upside down. (not necessarily in a bad way)  When my son was born I experienced joy and happiness like never before. Having a baby enter you home changes the dynamics of your marriage. The next few posts will be a series on how having a baby brings new challenges to intimacy in marriage.

Photo Credit to: Lisa McDonald

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Exercising with your Spouse

In marriage it can be hard to take time to exercise and spend one-on-one time together as a couple. Why not combine the two tasks and get involved in exercising together.

• ·         Go on a run, when you get home take a shower together.
• ·         Give each other full body massages.
• ·         Go on a walk and every block that you walk stop and kiss each other’s neck for 30 seconds
• ·         Try naked yoga together
• ·         Wrestle together, have a “safe word” so no one gets hurt
• ·         Race each other in the pool swimming.
• ·         Go to an indoor rock-climbing gym
• ·         Go bike riding and visit some of your favorite places around time.
• ·         Go dancing together. (you can even take a dance class)
• ·         Spend time together stretching in the morning.
• ·         Have a friendly game of basketball (or whatever you like to play)

When you engage in physical exercise it helps you relax and open up. When exercising with your spouse take time to talk and grow together emotionally.  Here are some ideas that can start the conversation:

·         Explain your dream job

·         Describe your favorite meal your spouse makes

·         Talk about your favorite day you went on together.

·         Relive the favorite memory you have as a married couple.

·         Dream vacation to take together

·         Dream home, where would it be, what would it look like

·         Tell a funny story from your childhood.

·         Talk about something you really enjoy doing

·         Discuss some things you would like to try as a couple.

 Not only will exercising together bring you closer on an emotional level but it will also help your physical relationship. Good physical health habits are important for your sexual health.

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Poor Self-Image

Here is the second post on lack of desire for physical intimacy focusing on poor self-image:

Poor self-image:

Some women may feel bad about the way they look and feel as if they don’t meet their spouse’s expectations. The way the media portrays women also makes them think that they have to be a certain way.

Personal Example:

Heather is overweight. She is very self-conscious about herself and her body. She loves her husband but is always worried that he doesn't think she looks good or is attracted to her. This makes it difficult to be intimate with her husband.

What research has found:

In an interesting study that surveyed 519 obese Americans in committed relationships. They indicated that 40% of the survey participants participated in physical intimacy with their partners less than once per month. In comparison, only 17% of the general population reported that they participated in physical intimacy at less than once per month. During the moments of physical intimacy, weight resulted in feelings of embarrassment, which furthered physical and emotional withholding. 

What you can do:

Overcoming a poor self-image is difficult but it can be done. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin is important. You can start by looking at yourself naked in front of a mirror. For me this was one of the most uncomfortable and awkward things to try. In order to have a positive body image we have to be able to look at ourselves naked.  Spend 1-3 minutes in front of the mirror naked, with no one around appreciating your body for what it is. The important part of this is truly appreciating your body, don’t nitpick or look for things you wish you could change. Instead embrace your body! Another thing you might try is if your husband or wife looks particularly good while getting dressed for work one morning, be sure to mention it to them. Also, if your partner has gained a significant amount of weight recently, commit to getting healthy together, just avoiding it makes them feel like they have to measure up. If you start by doing these things it can also start to increase your desire of physical intimacy.

Photo By: Stuart Miles. Retrieved at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net.

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BEING COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN SKIN

I sometimes find myself looking in the mirror thinking, “ugh this is pointless.” I pick things that I wish I could change about my body. We all have insecurities with our bodies. Nobody’s body is perfect, but that’s the perfection in it all. We are each given different bodies, and we should appreciate the differences. We need to be confident in the body we have in order to have the best possible sexual relations with our spouses.  After having a baby I had to learn to love my new body, stretch marks and all. After realizing the weight I put on from pregnancy wasn’t going anywhere I had to teach myself to feel comfortable in my own skin. We all hit points in our lives where we don’t feel attractive. Here are some things that can be done to help you feel more comfortable in your own skin:

                                                               LOOK AT YOURSELF NAKED IN THE MIRROR
 For me this was one of the most uncomfortable and awkward things to try. In order to have a positive body image we have to be able to look at ourselves naked.  Spend 1-3 minutes in front of the mirror naked, with no one around appreciating your body for what it is. The important part of this is truly appreciating your body, don’t nitpick or look for things you wish you could change. Instead embrace your body!

   NO NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

Our minds will believe whatever we feed it. If you find yourself thinking negatively about your body image. STOP! Stop the thought dead in its tracks; instead replace it with a positive thought about yourself.  As humans we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others. Don’t say something about yourself that you wouldn’t tell a friend about their appearance.  It’s time to give ourselves a break.

BE KIND 

It’s amazing what being nice to others can do for your self-confidence.  Reaching out to others and making them feel better about themselves will in turn make you feel better about yourself.

                                                                                                                           SMILE

 Just the act of smiling makes you feel better.  The old saying “fake it to you make it” really applies here. When you smile, even if it’s not sincere at first you will notice that you start to actually be happy. 

 UNDERSTAND THAT THE MEDIA EXAGGERATES REALITY

There needs to be an understanding that the pictures you see in the media are not real; no one has a body that perfect. Sexual relations are also exaggerated and we shouldn’t try to live up to this impossible standard. Once we stop comparing ourselves to what we see in the media we will be able to better appreciate our own body.

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Fear of Intimacy

If you have a lack of desire for physical intimacy you are not alone. Many women find themselves in this situation.  Some women might wonder what is wrong with them or why they feel the way that they do, however, there are many reasons women might lack a desire for physical intimacy. Here is the first of a series of weekly posts, stayed tuned! 

Fear of intimacy:

Wounds from past relationships can be carried into present ones. This might make it difficult to have the desire for physical intimacy.

Personal Example:

Linda found herself in a tough situation. She found out about two years ago that her husband had been cheating on her. He had always been very controlling and was hard to trust. Now that it has been a couple of years she has tried to move on, although she still has wounds from her past relationship. She now has a boyfriend she has been dating for a year. He is very kind, loving, and cares about her.  She finds it hard to be intimate with her boyfriend because of her wounds from her previous relationship.

What research has found:

Studies have found that fear of intimacy issues were commonly found in women suffering from depression, but those same issues weren't present in men with the condition. It's difficult for a person with these issues to develop a strong emotional bond with another person because they're terrified of being hurt or rejected. So they push people away to avoid rejection.

What you can do:

Overcoming a fear of intimacy isn't easy. It takes a lot of soul searching, prioritizing your wants and needs in life and dealing with painful events from your past, maybe even as far back as your childhood. It's important for those women with a fear of intimacy to realize their self-worth and do the work necessary in order to learn how to express their feelings to the people who have stood by them, despite being pushed away. Also just starting with small five minute physical intimacy activities is a start. For example, a back massage, cuddling, or showering together. 

Picture By David Castillo Dominici, Retrieved from: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

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